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The Great Leslie | Lockdown Leslie

Do you remember how, just one month ago, we were all saying things like ‘thank God 2020 is over’ and ‘that was the worst year ever, I can’t wait for things to start to get back to normal’…? Well, well, well, aren’t we all, for want of a better phrase, a bunch of Silly Billies? I would try to think of a more intellectually pejorative term, but I fear I am the Silliest Billy of them all. COME BACK 2020, I MISS YOU! 

As bad as the first lockdown was, at least we had a paddle for that particular creek of shite. Now, however, we are oarless and our navigator is a bumbling Etonian without an honest bone in his body. And as for the second one, was it really a lockdown? I remember walking past Borough Market and seeing crowds there, the size of which I hadn’t seen since before March! Are we really still wondering why we have just surpassed one hundred thousand Covid deaths here in the United Kingdom

I honestly believe the best step for us now is to wipe the egg off our faces and simply stop talking. I don’t think I’ve ever gone through life genuinely believing that thinking or saying something positive would actually result in the exact opposite happening. Any sentence remotely related to the Corona Virus that might indicate a positive outcome seems to be an automatic jinx! So I implore you all, don’t listen to your mothers. If you have nothing negative to say, then don’t say anything at all!

However, in all seriousness, there is no clever, witty or amusing way that truly describes the health crisis we have had to endure this past year. So many of us have lost loved ones, or ourselves been victim to this unrelenting illness. It certainly puts the trivial worries we may have had before this pandemic into perspective. It has also highlighted to me who we can truly rely on when the chips are down. Well the chips are downer than down, and I don’t feel like I, or anyone else, can rely on this government. I cannot rely on the minority-hating minority (Priti Patel), or the child in a man’s clothing, voting against free school meals for children (Matt Hancock), or the human shaped U-turn (Gavin Williamson), or the man with the money, who doesn’t want to share it (Rishi Sunak), or, lastly but not least, the crowning turd of them all, the falsely eccentric Etonian, who joked his way into office (Boris Johnson). Well, no one’s laughing now, and maybe I’m speaking out of turn and have no idea what I’m talking about, (after all I’m only an artist, what do I know?) but one hundred thousand deaths, in my humble opinion, is a fucking disgrace, and the government of the United Kingdom should be hanging their heads in shame. However, they have no shame. How dare they try to convince you and I that they’ve done everything in the interests of the people, whilst over one hundred thousand British citizens have died as a result of their inaction, incompetence and ineffectiveness. We cannot rely on them.

Having said all that, we can rely on the National Health Service, and though I may be a religious sceptic, I have no qualms in saying, God bless them. They themselves are on a life support of sorts, and yet they’re still saving others. Jolly good show chaps and chapesses, keep going and remember, “the darkest hour is just before the dawn’” (Thomas Fuller). I wouldn’t dare compare The Great Leslie to the great NHS, but you can rely on us equally. Not for medical care, that would be a mistake, but certainly for a chat, or for amusing stories on social media in an attempt to lighten the mood, to make you all laugh and most definitely for new music, which I can promise you is coming soon and will be worth the wait. 

In the meantime the boys and I are muddling through this dreaded lockdown by trying out new things. Perhaps you saw my very own technique of pillow screaming? Stay tuned and you will see the next edition of me window screaming. Both are advisable practises for dealing with stress, anxiety and boredom (do not try this at home if your home is next to that of a drunken, violent, hooligan). Additionally Ryan has been sharing his reading material with us and Jason has been showing us how one can venture outside without dragging ourselves along the floor like Ivar The Boneless (walking, Jason has been teaching us how to walk). We will be doing as much as we can to give you virtual company and to keep you entertained. I must however impress upon all who read this, that if you need to talk to anyone, that you reach out to us via our social media accounts (links below). We care for every single one of our followers, your support means more than we could ever explain, thus our support of each one of you is unwavering. 

Please do stay safe and try your utmost to not move around too much! Health is priority number one these days, and in the words of Basil Fawlty, “if you’ve got your health, what else matters?”. How very telling that an American replied to him with “what a bunch of crap” (I don’t feel like I should take shots at America anymore now Biden’s in, but it’s a tough old habit to kick. Sorry Americans!).

Until next time, my love remains for all you Leslie lovers alone,

I am most honourably,

Oliver Trevers MP, aka The Great Leslie.